Here I lie, thinking about my deathbed.
The hour of 6am is undeniably too early to be conscious on a Sunday, especially considering this one of only two widely spread out days off for the next 12. Sleep and general restfulness are easily compared to oxygen and sex: it's easy to take it for granted unless you're not getting any.
But my thoughts on life's final moments can scarcely be blamed on aching joints and heavy darkened skin arching below my eyes. Even in the throws of my pathetic but glaring awareness of the physical limits and necessities of mortality it's still impossible to dismissively attribute these thoughts on too many rounds of shuffling a few dozen 94 lb bags of cement. Even in my laziest of days (and believe me, I've had a lion's share of them) these thoughts are easy to entertain.
When my time is over, so be it. Dying or being dead isn't something I'm prone to dwell on. I find it remarkably easy to refrain from worrying about the things I have no rational control over. A quote of unknown origin always comes to mind: "worry is interest paid in advance on a debt that may never come due." True dat, yo.
But this morning, like many mornings, I lie in my bed wondering what those final moments of consciousness will be like. For the sake of countless unforeseen variables and infinite wonderment I carelessly assume that before I breathe my last breath I'll have time and opportunity for reflection. And I'll ask myself as I ask of myself most every day – have I been wasting it?
Another quote comes to mind: "I do not regret the things I've done but those I did not do." While my Left Brain (which is the one that researched and tagged that link for you, by the way) argues "Hey! You can't regret not doing something because taking time to do it would nullify something else that you actually did, therefore invalidating said claim for no regrets on past actions." And then it crosses it arms and stamps its little foot in bold punctuation. But the Right Brain (and yes, I most certainly have two sides that routinely battle for dominance,) unconfined by reason and quantum time structures leans back, smiling across the brain at the Left, and says "Silly fundamentalist. Don't be so easily confined by the declared "truths" of others that surround you." (Did Righty get stoned while I was asleep??) Thinking of the simple wisdom of that statement I find myself adrift in a sea of lost opportunities. It's not entirely true that I do not regret the things that I have done. I only regret doing many of those things in lieu of more fulfilling coarse of actions.
Being back in my original hometown has had several interesting effects on my thought process. Most people remember me as quite the introvert. It wasn't until I got to college that I started to truly find my stride and began to embrace a much more extroverted lifestyle. From there I took my first solo overseas adventure and, well, the rest is somewhat adequately documented for your reading pleasure on these virtual pages. I never felt truly whole or like I "fit" as that introvert growing up but I'm still not completely comfortable with full-on extrovert. My struggle seems to be in finding that balance. Most of my "regrets" come from inaction - opportunities missed because of lack of confidence or blatant apathy.
I have learned this: My course in life is decidedly to seek out the full intensity of each of life's moments. These last years have taught me that, at least right now, I'm most comfortable "living in the now." I have to say I do quite well with that. But because of this great responsibility I feel for "not wasting it" I continually evaluate where I've been, what I'd love to do different, and how I'll make it better today. This is my struggle.
12 days from now I will be back out on the road doing one thing I know I love. I'm determined to lie on that deathbed with a great big smile on my face.
Posted April 16, 2006 08:45 AM @ (GMT - 6)
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Don't I feel shallow?...I woke up yesterday and said to myself, "I'm hungry".